[7] Trapped In Your Thoughts.

An Op-Ed where I discuss my experience with introspection. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

Introspection is a drug. You reflect on your experiences. You attempt to understand your emotions. You know that you overthink, but you prefer it to the alternative of not thinking at all. Thinking about your problems will (supposedly) help you to know yourself better, and that’s (supposedly) going to make things better. If you're aware of your problems, you're more inclined to search for solutions, right? And yet, your search for solutions has done none but guarantee that the simple things in life will be burdened by your problems. 

But what’s the gateway to introspection? I think it varies depending on who you ask. For me, it was a desire to be better. Rather, a desire to change. 

We often let our painful memories linger in the back of our minds, hoping they dilute before we discard them. But that’s not really how it works. You realize that, in order to heal, you need to approach your emotions with an almost childish perspective. Embrace that, despite our nuance and intellect, we are still bound to our human instinct. That’s the basis of all introspection. A desire to learn more about ourselves. 

Introspection, it’s almost addictive. You start reflecting on every aspect of your life. You start to understand the worldview that your memories and emotions have subconsciously created over the past seventeen years. How obvious things become once you start thinking. Everything in your life starts making a little more sense. 

I gained a lot from introspection. Learning from my mistakes. Cracking down on my insecurities. Finding direction and motivation. At the end of the day, I felt that introspection was key to ensuring growth. For improvement. 

That’s what this is all about, right? Being better than yesterday. Wanting to change. And, when you think you’ve done enough thinking… when you think you have enough logical reasoning to add onto your illogical emotion... you realize that there’s more thinking to be done. More growth to be had. 

This hunger for growth transforms into a disgust for imperfection. It’s no longer an attempt to try to be our best selves. Instead, you’re just trying to avoid being flawed. You’ve already made so much progress with the help of your introspection. You have no excuse to stop making progress. 

And, if all you think about is how things affect you, then everything becomes about you. Not necessarily in a narcissistic “I deserve all the attention in the world” manner, but definitely an egocentric “everything is about me” mentality. 

Funnily enough, it feels like we have the most growth when we think about our failures. Doesn’t matter the intensity of our failure. So, you start thinking. When [blank] happened, why was I sad? When [blank] happened, why did I lose? When [blank] happened, why was I unprepared? The answers to your questions are logical, but they’re not constructive. Nothing has actually changed through the course of your thoughts. 

When we relentlessly introspect, we cuff ourselves to our thoughts. We share our thoughts about this abyss within us, and it echoes back with affirmation. Regardless of what you say or think, your inner monologue convinces you that you’re right. 

Echochamber. That echo of our thoughts is especially dangerous when we consider that our introspection is often related to our failures. Negative emotions. Cynical thoughts. Hopeless surrenders. At this point, introspection no longer serves the purpose of reflecting and improving ourselves. Instead, introspection is a shovel that buries us deeper in our self-afflicted grief. Introspection can quickly become an echochamber of negativity.

I would bore my friends and family with an aura of insecurity. To yourself, your negativity seems true, and so your perspective changes. You begin to affirm your beliefs and align your actions with negativity. Eventually, your negativity becomes true. Other people eavesdrop on the echoes in your chamber, and their suspicions are confirmed by your negativity. All of this happens because you think too much. You make illogical conclusions from your excessive logical reasoning.

The problem with introspection isn’t how often you do it. Rather, it’s what you decide to introspect on. Some things just aren’t worth the time, the effort, and the subsequent emotional toll. 

Our capability to grow means that we are not perfect. Introspection can make us believe that anything less than perfect is unacceptable. That imperfection is a flaw. Our obsession with improving ourselves becomes toxic. This “at all costs” mentality is both suboptimal and destructive. Realize that growth is not a way of life but rather a byproduct of life.

Introspection is ultimately unproductive. Though you may understand yourself better, that often overcomplicates our responsibilities. Instead, confirm your goals and act on them. Don’t waste your time deliberating the potential consequences, minimum required effort, emotional influence, and necessary time commitment. 

When you’re completing a task, your introspection is simply an obstacle. In other words, utilize your introspection as a means to determine your destination, but don’t let it steer you away from it during your journey. 

Still, I recommend this period of deep introspection to anyone, as it’s quite necessary to realize how we want to structure our lives, shape our relationships, and see our passions. But remember the subtle destruction that the abundance of your introspection can reap on you.