[5] Do What Makes YOU Happy.

An Op-Ed that explains my mantra: "do what makes YOU happy." In other words, a proponent for fulfillment in the journey, not anticipation in the destination.

I’ve always felt the need to win the approval of others to give flavor to the fruits of my labor. It didn’t matter if I was proud of the things that I had achieved. And more often than not, I was rarely content with myself.

None of us get to choose how we’re remembered. And so, I felt that I needed to ensure that others were always satisfied and maybe even impressed with my accomplishments. I craved judgment, and I needed it to be overwhelming praise.

I stretched myself thin. I saw the accomplishments that others had made for themselves. The glamour and the glory. I felt that I needed to be able to do the things that they did, or else I was simply worse.

I felt that I was “falling off” if I didn’t have a victory soon after the previous one. I wanted to show my progress through my continued victories. I wanted to stay relevant, and I didn’t want to have “peaked in the past.” In other words, I may have won the battle, but the war was far from over.

Eventually, I became obsessed with the things that I didn’t have. Don’t mistake this as envy. Rather, it was disappointment. I would see the things that other people would have, and I would feel immense dread in my inability to accomplish those things. This soul-crushing feeling was amplified whenever someone effortlessly possessed a quality that I so desperately desired.

This revelation was the catalyst for a shift in my philosophy. It wasn’t the burnout from disciplined persistence. It wasn’t a diminishing level of motivation. It wasn’t a family emergency or a distracting addiction. No, it was when I realized that I was competing with people in fields that I had neither passion nor skill in. To make matters worse, I had lost my footing in the things that I once felt I had excelled in. I was a man with hollow awards.

And so I reconsidered the value of external praise. There’s nothing inherently wrong with considering the opinions of others, but the problem lies in allowing these opinions to dictate the value of your achievements.

Take the university application process. Sure, you could fuck off on your genuine interests and instead strive for an impressive resume that will be sure to catch the attention of your admission officer. But what if it doesn’t turn out well? Well, you just sacrificed four years of high school (the friends and the memories and the fun)… all for jackshit.

On the other hand, you could take the risk of doing what you want to do. I don’t mean you should indulge in hedonistic behavior. I’m saying you should divert your motivation and determination to something that, when you look back on your time in high school, is bound to fill you with pride. Regardless of the results, ensure that you’ll be fulfilled. That is the golden standard to determine if your time and your effort were well spent.

Under this mantra of dissociating your value from external validation, I strive for redemption. There are many mistakes and addictive habits that continue to wear me down. These things tend to have a traumatic (I fucking hate the word; it makes me feel like I’m begging for pity) influence on my self-worth.

I believe that redemption starts from the awareness of your shortcomings and the genuine efforts to overcome your past. Your future will thank you for your sacrifice, but that doesn’t mean that your sacrifice needs to be suffering. If you find fulfillment in your efforts, there is no room for suffering. There is only room for hope. There is only room for belief.

And when things seem hopeless, and you’re disappointed in your supposed failures, things are never as grave as they seem. Regardless of the outcome, all experiences are opportunities for growth.

Let’s be honest with ourselves. We’ve been through so much, but we’ve always gotten back up. This too shall pass. Nothing is ever as bleak, as terrifying, as melancholy, as deep as you think it may be.

That upsetting grade that you got on your lab. That club leadership position that you failed to secure. That failed talking stage. At the end of the day, you are healthy, your family is well, your friends are safe, and your life continues. That’s all that we could ever ask for. That’s all we ever need.

It’s important to acknowledge the factors of life that we have no control over; life is unpredictable and unfair, but learning to accept this notion will help free you from the false burden that you had once placed on yourself.

You can’t ever wait for the perfect moment because that doesn’t exist. Life forbids it so. We’re not always granted preparation and insight; it’s essential to adopt the bravery to dive head first and balls deep into anything that you believe will be fulfilling.

The risks that you take for your fulfillment won’t be the end of you. They’ll just be another step towards genuine fulfillment. The romcoms that you take in between Oscar-nominated dramas build character. As long as you keep walking, you’ll reach the top, even if you take a few steps “back” along the way.