[4] Thanks, But I Can't Take Compliments.

An Op-Ed that details my inability to take compliments, reflecting on my unrelenting and unhealthy desire for external validation.

I used to be bullied. The disparage evolved beyond explicit insults into pseudo-compliments. You know, the back-handed ones. When I first discovered the genuine intention behind these plaudits, I was overwhelmed. Embarrassment engulfed me; doubt rooted itself in my psyche.

The thing is, I’m not bitter about having been pushed around; in fact, I think that it was a necessary experience for me to motivate myself to begin enacting authority over my life. Being criticized for my physique encouraged me to start exercising. Being ignored caused me to reconsider various components of my personality, realigning them with socially accepted norms.

That being said, I don’t remember the last time when I wasn’t constantly internalizing the judgment of others. To be frank, I don’t think that I can take a compliment anymore. I still don’t believe people when they compliment me. It must be some sick inside-joke that everyone’s telling me.

I think that I’m in a better place now, obviously. I made so much change: I’m fitter than ever, I’m very social, I’m incredibly passionate, I demonstrate tremendous amounts of discipline, and I am recognized for certain prowesses.

So why am I still unable to fathom being complimented? I guess the concern no longer lies in my traits but rather in the process of improving these attributes. More specifically, I worry because I used to make progress at a comparatively accelerated rate. I fear that I’m doing something erroneously despite being more educated and experienced. I dread that my peers are sailing smoothly while I am left behind to suffer the eye of the storm.

In a quest to prove this observation invalid, I vowed to embark on a stringent journey to attain the approval of others. I surmised that if I were to work directly opposed to the specific qualities that others criticized me on, I would finally garner their laudation. Then, and only then, I would receive the confirmation that I had “made it.”

Everything I did during my life was a sorry attempt at collecting respect from others. I wanted to be recognized for my intelligence, eloquence, opinions, and physique, but I never gave myself the privilege of pride and personal appraisal.

I found myself, months later, on the brink of catastrophe. I sustained a big sentiment of disappointment because I had designated the outcomes of my efforts as failures. What I had not recognized during this period of notable stress and directed hatred was that a great majority of these “failures” were not in the interest of my own passions and well-being in the first place. I had sculpted my life around the expectations of others instead of allowing my true self to blossom and enable myself to truly achieve its best version.

A man who chases the praise of others limits his ability to praise himself. This is a revelation that I obtained throughout this entire experience. The change that I examined from this discovery isn’t an inherent boost of self-confidence or internalized hatred toward my cynics. Instead, the approach that I take towards shaping the choices and actions that I sacrifice my time and effort towards has been replaced.

Take this website, for example. Out of my genuine passion for writing, I have begun a consistent and personal collection of written works to document my thoughts and express my opinions. Sure, I may not reap any particular benefits from this, but I feel fulfilled. I feel accomplished with each article that I publish.

And so, I conclude with a promise to my future, to work towards my own goals, all the while ensuring the eventual conclusion of becoming the best version of myself. I won’t let the doubts and the slander of others discredit my worth but rather fuel the process of accomplishing progress through passion and disciplined desire.