[17] Me, As a Friend.

An Op-Ed exploring my role as a friend — the desire to treat others the way I want to be treated, the idea of loving my friends more than they love me, the realization that my friendship is not unconditional, and the notion to giving back as much value as my friends have given me.

1 WHO DO YOU WANT TO BE?

When I was younger, the “who do you want to be” question was difficult to answer because everything was solely a means to an end. You know, all in the pursuit of making a living. 

Having the privilege to muse on my purpose and, subsequently, make use of my passions has helped me assign a “why” to every pursuit. And yet, despite there being personal worth and definitive direction in all I pursue, I still struggle — because the person that I want to be is so DEPENDENT on OTHER PEOPLE. 

Sure, there’s that aspect of this dependence on others being linked to the external validation that I’ve been unable to wholly scrub off me since [11], but that’s NOT exactly what I’m pinpointing here. Instead, I’m dependent on other people BECAUSE the person that I want to be is a good friend. 

2 TO BE A GOOD FRIEND

Given my piss-poor elementary and middle school experience, I’ve always looked to my slavic friends (Misha, Nikita, and Eduard) with endless gratitude. I don’t think they can comprehend how essential they were in who I’ve since become — dialing my competitive nature, sharing my hobbies, acting as motivation, putting myself over themselves, showing me how to properly express disappointment, encouraging me to vocalize my gratitude, driving me to share my love. 

It’s through them that I’ve since strived to “treat others the way you want to be treated” — to grant others the privilege of having their needs met by someone who cares, because I KNOW FIRSTHAND how heartwarming genuine friendship can be. 

Given my experience with these friends, I find that I excel in friendships that rely on a more VULNERABLE level — I make time to show compassion, do favors to show generosity, listen to show support, and give unique advice to show rationality. 

3 TO MAKE YOU LOVE ME

I’ve found that the most difficult part about friendships is the initiation. And that’s mostly because I’ve always felt that I needed to earn someone’s friendship. That I needed to hook their interest (in me) by exaggerating one of my traits (often humor). And then, over time, I would gradually even out these extremities UNTIL all that’s left is the sincere and stimulating personality that I PERCEIVE MYSELF TO HAVE.

But that’s completely CONTRARY to what a lot of GUYS tend to STRUGGLE WITH — opening up. And so, in this process of befriending someone new, I’ve found myself almost “oversharing” to sort of signal to the other person that they should feel comfortable being vulnerable as well. To present myself as someone trustworthy, someone compassionate, someone approachable. 

Unfortunately, that desire to be approachable has, more often than not, STRAINED my PERCEPTION OF SELF — specifically because I fail to set boundaries. When my insecurities are touched upon, I have trouble vocalizing hurt. I fear NOT the confrontation (that’s something I’m pretty proficient in), but rather the implications of having my friends ALTER their AUTHENTICITY to better fit my needs. If anything, I’ve found myself feeding into deprecative humor targeted towards myself because I opine it somehow makes me more approachable. 

4 I LOVE MORE THAN I AM LOVED

In my defense, it’s incomprehensible to me that friends (especially the close ones) won’t go out of their way to be cautious of what they do and how they act. And that extends beyond the care to avoid touching on sore topics — flaking on a pre-planned arrangement last minute with no regard for my time, failing to make any proper apology after I explained how their neglect made me feel, ridiculing me in public amongst people with whom I’m unfamiliar.

It almost feels like I love my friends MORE THAN they love me. In defining my purpose in regard to how I fit into various social relationships, I fear that I’ve been sidelining my priorities in favor of “making memories” or “sharing conversations.” Sure, I have solo-hobbies like watching movies and writing articles, but I feel that it’s been so long since I’ve allowed myself to feel comfortable being alone in search of some goal that matters to me and to me alone. 

In other words, it feels like my friends put themselves and their goals ahead of everyone else, to which I’d feel dejected. That feeling of dejection is MY FAULT, as I do notice that the desire for my friends to prioritize me is an unfair expectation to place on them. But then again, I guess I’ve continued to hold this expectation for others because I PRIORITIZE my friends, and I desire that to be RECIPROCATED. It’s silly, but it kind of hurts whenever I realize that my friends have friends who are not me, that my friends won’t clue me into decisions that exclude me, and that my friends aren’t always able to meet my needs.

5 AM I A GOOD FRIEND?

While it’s easy to say that my friends fail to be “good” if they don’t meet such criteria that I’ve laid out here, I’ve realized that each person has a DIFFERENT DEFINITION for what being a good friend means. 

If anything, what’s been gnawing at my mind and my pride and my worldview is that I’ve begun to question if I’ve ever been a good friend in the first place. 

Perhaps the small intricacies that I’ve made to look out for my friends by standing up for them in group settings or abstaining from making jokes about their shortcomings AREN’T something that my friends value. 

Whenever I find myself in conflict with friends, I actively look for mistakes that I’ve personally made. Because if it’s something that I did wrong, there’s still a chance for me to make things right. But I’ve found that the friendships that I HAVEN’T been able to save have been those where my friends FAIL to reciprocate my desire to uphold a friendship. Maybe some people simply DON’T think of close friendships AS VALUABLE as I do. Maybe some people DON’T think of close friendships as being something WORTH investing and dedicating towards. Maybe some people are UNWILLING TO CHANGE for anyone. 

I’m aware that I’ve made mistakes in my friendships, but goddamnit I’ve always fought for these friendships. I feel as though I’m always more hurt when a friendship falls through because it feels as though I’m losing a part of myself. But fuck it all if I won’t keep trying my best to be the best possible friend I can be. 

I’ve recently come to the unfortunate, uncomfortable realization that in cases where my friends simply aren’t reciprocating that desire to make things right by looking beyond their priorities in favor of how I feel, then I might have to let things go. That my friendship is not unconditional. 

6 ARE WE STILL FRIENDS?

And while I think that “unconditionality” to be true, I’ll most likely continue to struggle with upholding the conditionality of my friendship. 

I always underestimate how much time it takes for a genuine friendship to bud, and so you might call my willingness to be vulnerable and invest interest TOO QUICKLY as naive, but I’m NEVER going to STOP. I’d rather have faith that some person has the capability to be my next best friend instead of the cynical worldview that all relationships will end anyway. 

 I’ve accepted that, after graudation, the people that I keep in touch with will be funneled down to a fraction of a fraction. But that DOESN’T MEAN that our relationship needs to END — and the notion of believing that any given relationship WILL end in the future is not only DEFEATIST but also INSULTING TO ME. Because if your friendship with me isn’t worth fighting for, what the hell was the point? 

I know that I’ve not always been a good friend — my discomfort in allowing unexpected disruptions in my schedule and my tendency to be irritable towards others during times of stress — but I also know that I’ve been a good friend on many more occasions than not. It’s within my capability to notice flaws and my attempts to match the needs of others that make me at least a decent friend to have. I’ll make time for my friends when they need a listening ear. I’ll engage wholeheartedly when they share their work. I’ll say my sorries and repeat my thanks whenever it’s necessary. 

And if you’re reading Chopinions, our friendship is something that I’ll continue to fight for. I hope that I’ve given you all as much value as a friend as you’ve given me.