[16] One Good Girl.

An Op-Ed revealing my desire to understand love — the second article in my [ ON LOVE ] series, where I try to understand how peers, pursuits, patience, and pride play a role in my love life. Much like the first in the series, this article was ALSO embarrassing to write. 

1 WHAT DO I WANT?

I have this muddled, deconstructed idea of what I want my next romantic involvement to LOOK like, but somehow I’m NOT SURE at all what I want. 

This image in my mind is messy. On one hand, I want to EXPERIENCE IT ALL. The dinner dates, the dumbass humor, the deep conversations. If it means GETTING to experience those things, I lean towards believing that it DOESN’T really matter what the circumstances are — whether it’s a serious relationship or a casual hookup, either’s fine, as long as I get that experience. 

But a closer look makes me DOUBT myself. I want my next romance to FEEL RIGHT, and I don’t think I’ll feel right about my next relationship UNLESS it's with someone that really clicks with me. Someone who makes me want to be my best self without me feeling like I’m pleasing some perfect person. Someone who has a distinct charm that complements whatever I have to offer to the table. Someone who gives me the butterflies before a date. 

I don’t think I’d be able to attain such an emotional connection in a relationship that’s inherently shallow. And yet, commitment is complicated, because it seems to me that I always prematurely invest in some romantic endeavor, only for efforts to fall short. That’s because my investments chased some feeling, some expectation, some romanticization, some outcome INSTEAD of having chased one specific girl. 

2 TO LOVE (?) SOMEONE

I look back at prolonged stretches of “get to know one another”s that precede any romantic entanglement with frustration. Not only because these pursuits never resulted in anything substantial, but also because I realize I might NOT HAVE EVER LIKED someone romantically. 

There’s a FINE LINE that separates truly liking someone from merely liking someone’s company. For me, it’s always been the latter — obsession via limerence or desperation via lust almost manifested that these relationships would be short-lived. 

It lingers in the back of my mind as I worry about whether or not I can like someone romantically. Partly because I WANT to know what it FEELS like, but mostly because I’m SCARED I’ll be stuck in a relationship where I can’t repay the gift of someone else’s love. 

The root of my struggle to love simply CAN’T be attributed to just one factor. I’m young, I’m inexperienced, I’m stressed, I’m horny. But the crux of this problem, or at least the SINGLE factor I have the MOST control over, is that I use some arbitrary criteria to judge potential romantic prospects. 

While this systemization of sifting through romantic prospects MIGHT be an accurate way to look at finding a partner, it’s an UNHEALTHY way to look at this process. I’m under the impression that a truly meaningful relationship will CATCH ME OFF GUARD — someone who I hadn’t really chased or even considered a relationship with becomes that very girl I’ve sought for so long. 

3 WAIT?

PATIENCE, then, might be the virtue I’ve long needed. Sure, there’s a level of proactivity that’s needed to “fight for your love,” but I think the intent shouldn’t be made on discovering prospects, but advertising yourself on the market as a prospect for others. And in that process of letting yourself be known, others will be introduced to you. While the impact may be the same, the intent behind the specific social choices you make somehow seems just as important. 

So, why not just wait? Well, I think that my desire for romance is best explained by what I think I’d get out of it. At one point, romance used to be the validation from an attractive girl that the things I had to offer were enough. Eventually, romance became all about reciprocation — the chance to provide and, subsequently, be provided for. Right now, romance taunts me with security during such uncertain times. Where the results of my college applications, cross country races, and who I’ll hang out with on a Saturday evening are fickle, all I want is consistency.

4 YEAH, SATURDAY’S GOOD

I guess it’s selfish, but I have such conflicting emotions whenever a close friend starts dating. OF COURSE I’m proud of my boys, that they’ve bagged their respective girls. I watch as my peers are deep in romance —  feeling the love that I long to know. But when I’m void of my own entanglement, I can’t help but feel like I’m being replaced. I want my friends to be happy and I don’t want them to feel forced to hang out with me (if anything, I don’t want to be your fucking quota hangout either), so I bite the bullet. All I wanted were some more memories, but they’re now taken up by library dates and weekend appointments. 

When I ask to be paid back, it’s not really about the money. Instead, it’s about the hinted appreciation that, since I’ve done something nice for you, you’ll care enough about me to pay me back. It was never about the money. It was ALL about the gesture. 

I want to be APPRECIATED for who I am, and it’s DIFFICULT to feel appreciated when I no longer feel like the first priority to people who are essentially my brothers. I guess it’s best embodied when I ask to make plans with a friend only to receive a “sorry, I’m hanging out with her” without having my plans promised to be met some other time (on that note, sorry Darren. I shouldn’t have let my fear of being rejected by you stop me from being proactive with plan-making. Still, both parties are always at fault. I just pray that the same won’t happen with Ethan). 

5 BOTH SELF-HATRED AND PRIDE

In my recurred desperation for romance, as a means to keep up with the blossoming romances around me, I find myself spending lonely weekend lunches and quiet midnight hours wondering what I’m DOING WRONG. Remember that arbitrary criteria I use to sift through prospects? It mimics the standards to which I judge myself — the borderline self-hatred that I accumulated through unfulfilled fitness goals, the perpetual guilt I feel over my part to blame in any given conflict, and the difficulty I have in accepting the merit that others find in my character. 

But in stark contrast with the criticism I project on myself, it’s during times of “what am I doing wrong” that I adopt an uncanny narcissism. The truth of the matter is, over these past few years, persistent self-hatred HAS catalyzed growth. I AM proud of who I am. Who the FUCK at this school has a more diverse music palette, interesting movie taste, healthy family dynamic, capable writing style, extensive academic foundation, interesting personality, and compassionate side? 

It’s this prideful side of me that clashes with the everpresent belief that maybe I’m just not quite good enough to BE a prospect. A revelation that MAYBE I’m the interesting, quirky friend who many people enjoy the company of, but someone who’s simply NOT attractive enough to be seen as a romantic prospect. And so, for the longest time, I thought that the only flaw I possessed was physical. That whatever lay beneath blurbs of fat and unfavorable facial features was pretty much perfect. I told myself that the first impression I made on people (i.e., being unattractive) ruined any chance of sparking romance. As such, I HATED myself because I believed I had flaws so pronounced and so poignant that my strengths couldn’t dare to shine. 

I’m STILL not necessarily sure if how I assumed others perceived me is accurate (perhaps it was exaggerated, but still bleakly true at some point in time?), but I’ve tried to stray from this switching between hating and adoring myself. It’s the mix of both our good and bad traits that somehow works in tandem to grant us flavor. Without one or the other, there exists no finished meal. And how will others learn to love the dish if I can’t love it either? 

6 ONE GOOD GIRL

Earlier in this article, I postulate one might need to focus on “advertising yourself on the market as a prospect for others.” It’s with this clearer understanding of my broken perception of self that I realize I’ve spent EVERY waking moment trying to advertise myself. More accurately, I desperately wanted to feel that the effort I was putting in to “fix my flaws” was getting the results I wanted. That others would start viewing me as more romantically favorable. And that I needed to impress everyone. 

While it’s important to put yourself out there, I realize that fixing my flaws WASN’T the end-all-be-all solution that would lead me to some fulfilled romance. As corny as it sounds, it was genuinely about learning to love myself, accept my flaws, and aspire to grow. What initially came off to me as a silly, insensitive line from Kanye West on “Bound 2” NOW presents itself poignant: ONE GOOD GIRL IS WORTH A THOUSAND BITCHES.

I’m not saying sit around waiting for some perfect moment, because that’s not going to come. But I can’t help but believe that if you WANT to be PREPARED to SEIZE some soulmate-fulfilling moment, you best have been PATIENT. Only when you are content WITHOUT something is when those very things become FOR THE TAKING.

7 EPILOGUE

Still, there are so many mental hurdles that falter me from this realized necessity for patience. LUST that paints my retina rose-tinted, making everyone an attractive prospect. LONGING for security in the midst of panic when my peers enter relationships. LIMERENCE plagued my perception of strangers and led me down paths of baseless obsession. LUCK, and how I feel as though I’ve been so unlucky with romance, whereas everyone else gets what they’ve sought. LOVE and my inability to define it, inexperience to know it, and imprudence to learn it. 

And yet I GROUND myself with three things. It’s critical that I LEARN to love being PATIENT, being ALONE, and being MYSELF. I want my next romantic endeavor to be full of GENUINE LOVE. There are seven months of Choate left, and while I’m still cautiously hopeful for a taste of romance, I’m determined to MAKE MEMORIES via platonic love rather than rotting in desire.