[13] A Desperate Romantic.

A (deliberately) unfinished Op-Ed discussing my current understanding of romantic love — my current data set being ONLY platonic love. This was a little embarrassing to write. 

1 PLATONIC LOVE. 

Swiping up on a dimmed home screen to find a slew of notifications from a bunch of my friends across various messaging platforms MIGHT be my favorite way to start the day. It feels good to know that my presence is significant enough to someone that a niche Instagram reel reminded them of me. It feels good to know that my camaraderie is valued enough by someone that an emotional paragraph finds itself in MY inbox instead of someone else’s. 

My DESIRE to be DESIRED probably stems from the unreciprocated love I showed to my friends, SPECIFICALLY when I was younger. The consideration I showed when making sure I was on time was met with tardiness. The care I showed during their times of strife was met with indifference during my own. The generosity I showed in fulfilling their favors was met with selfishness. 

It’s difficult to gauge what “unreciprocated” entails. To be fair, I think I tend to get ATTACHED rather quickly — for a while, I couldn’t believe that I was even capable of having friends, so those who showed an ounce of kindness to me were met with my gratitude tenfold. Or maybe I wasn’t able to comprehend that people have different ways of EXPRESSING love (that becomes difficult when their way of showing love doesn’t match up with mine). But then again, I found that a lot of my guy friends simply struggled with MATCHING the affection I showed them. You know, it’s “gay” or whatever.

The supposed DISCREPANCY in the love GIVEN TO my friends and the love RECEIVED FROM them taught me valuable lessons, such as (1) recognizing the flaws in my friends to prevent myself from romanticizing them or (2) learning to distance myself from certain friends, out of self-respect. 

But this discrepancy also taught me how to FEEL for TRUE platonic love. To know when I should (and shouldn’t) grant someone the privilege of my love. To understand that platonic love ISN’T just someone you enjoy hanging out with or someone you can share secrets with — instead, without their friendship, you would neither be the same person nor would you live as enjoyable a life. Something like that. I may not know how to describe platonic love, but I KNOW I’ve felt it before. 

2 ROMANTIC LOVE. 

And yet, I can’t say the same about romantic love. I don’t think I’ve felt THAT way about someone before. And I’m always so skeptical when someone (around my age) tells me that they’ve experienced love. Have we experienced enough and met enough people to truly gauge what love is? 

I asked mom about how she would define love. She said that love is marked by a willingness to sacrifice — to sacrifice your tendencies, thoughts, and time in favor of someone else (obviously, to a certain extent). She said that love is the continuous curiosity to get to know the other person (sure, you’re bound to be LESS curious about someone after you’ve gotten to know them for a while, so maybe at different TIMEPOINTS, there are different DEFINITIONS that work better?). She said that love is about expressing it in ways that ensure the other person feels your love. 

My aforementioned definition of platonic love deliberately focused on what it ISN’T, because (even though I’ve experienced it before) I don’t think I’m ABLE to define what it is. Likewise, my mom having trouble with defining romantic love (despite her having loved my dad for nearly two decades) made me realize that love is a feeling that’s more REALIZED than DEFINED, especially since EACH person is unique both in their character and in how they accept your love. There’s no universally applicable template for love. It MUST be something that is gradually realized after a variety of interactions with someone. 

3 THE SEARCH (feat. VANITY).

Because I feel as though I’ve never romantically loved anyone, my experience with platonic love is the only metric of “practice for romantic love” I have — not in the sense that “practice makes perfect” mentality that causes people to search for relationships “for experience,” but PRACTICE in the sense of familiarizing yourself with how it FEELS to love someone. 

You don’t make friends searching for platonic love — and if you do, you end up disappointing yourself because of unmet expectations or clear incompatibility. Instead, platonic love is ONLY realized when the circumstances (timing, personality, environment, interests) HAPPEN to align. In other words, there’s SO MUCH LUCK involved in platonic love that it’s impossible to “work for” it (that being said, there’s some nuance to be had here because you SHOULD try to be your best self — so that when an opportunity for platonic love arises, you are ready to seize it). 

Likewise, you can’t SEARCH for romantic love. And, in theory, I’m immensely aware of this. I feel as though romantic love is something that happens after a series of interactions with someone in which physical attraction and social interest are thoroughly reciprocated — reciprocated to the point that without them, you feel a little incomplete. 

And yet, in practice, I’ve found myself ALWAYS searching for romantic love. In this desperate desire to be in a relationship, a large portion of my past was marked by a tendency to enter interactions with girls wondering how I could make them my significant other. 

I think this perpetuated desire to be in a relationship (rather, to NOT be single) stems from an insecurity that I might not be good enough for anyone. I realize now that I’ve been sort of a “pick me” in the sense that I’ve reached out to close friends hoping for THEIR validation. I guess I hope for the same when I pursue romantic love — at a certain point, it was neither about the girl nor the relationship, but to confirm that I could be found attractive by someone who I find attractive. And in my desire to CONVINCE myself that I COULD be loved, I chased lust as a FALSE confirmation of love. 

Whenever I found an absence of sexual validation, I began trying to find a reason for WHY I was single. In the illogical quest to make sense of my lack of romantic love, I came to the equally illogical conclusion that I (specifically my looks) needed FIXING. 

I entered this self-sustaining loop of vanity. I had assumed that people judge others solely based on looks, and so I decided to adopt the same outlook — I sought validation for those I found attractive while showing relative indifference to how those I found unattractive perceived me. 

In my stubborn alignment with this absurd (because it’s shameful and impudent to treat others based on their attractiveness) social worldview, I found myself hating myself — according to my thought process, if I was TRULY attractive, I would’ve been in a relationship. And yet I wasn’t. And so I MUST be unattractive, no? Yeah, it’s absurd, but that’s the loop I was stuck in. And so I was simultaneously unable to forgive myself for supposedly being unattractive while searching for validation from others. 

But I’ve found that insecurities “resolved” based on the validation of others are quick to fade when the source no longer provides you with the means to suppress your insecurity. Sure, you were talking for hours with this pretty girl and making out with this other one, but how much does that actually matter to you? Beyond the temporary ego boost, is it within your best interest (or ANY interest at all) to become someone who seeks shallow, unfulfilled attempts at romantic love that end before they have a chance to materialize into something more — into love? 

Moreover, my vain perception of people (including how I viewed myself) has caused me to oversimplify how others view relationships. Perhaps it’s in my overconfidence that I could develop a deep human connection with ANYONE I’m given enough time to interact with, but there’s something severely wrong with the approach I had when SEARCHING for romance. In my overemphasis on the physical attraction component of a relationship, I’ve somehow convinced myself that everyone else perceives personality as merely a “plus” and NOT an equally critical component (as looks) when considering a partner. Instead of enjoying the process of getting to know someone (and letting them get to know me), I saw it as an unskippable cutscene of preamble before I could remedy my insecurities and fulfill my desires. 

I’ve FOOLED myself into believing that while I may not be attractive enough for girls to flock towards me, I’m attractive enough that I could use my personality to win a girl over — but that’s just not how that works. I know this is more of a problem with terminology, but I need this analysis to be literal — you don’t really “win” a girl over. Your personality shouldn’t be a tool but simply a component of what you bring to the table. To say that you won a girl over with your personality makes it sound like you were somewhat inauthentic with how you presented yourself because you valued ensuring a romantic relationship with a girl OVER taking the risk of showing them your true self in an attempt to form a true connection. 

Anyway, I’ve stopped this search for romantic love for a slew of reasons. Sure, it was exhausting to base my self-worth on the approval of someone else. But more importantly, I felt disgusted TRYING to FORGE a romantic relationship so often. The trying was all fucked up — considering how much I pride myself in being able to build deep human connections (and the character depth that entails), I’m EMBARRASSED about the shallow and selfish motivations behind my search for romance. 

Even when I DID end up finding some semblance of “success” in my pursuit of sharing physical contact, I felt as though each hangout hinged solely on whether we made out by the end of it. It made everything OTHER than the fifteen minutes of hooking up seem pointless, to the point where I began calling the process of finding deep human relationships “the preamble” — this almost comes off as an apology to those I’ve taken advantage of, but it’s more of a harrowing reflection of how I’ve lost track of what I truly set out for. A realization that I’d SIMPLY become vain and shallow. What a shame. I strive to realign my priorities towards building memorable relationships via platonic love and to detach myself from trying to “maximize my chances” for a lustful end goal. 

4 SELF-RESPECT. 

Whereas the previous section discusses my guilt for searching for romantic love (despite never having felt that way towards someone), I wanted to dedicate a few words on how my persistent quest for romance is emblematic of my lack of self-respect. 

In desperate attempts to form a romantic relationship, I’ve often found myself almost clawing onto these practically ruined affairs. I tend to end up on the pursuing end — never being the one pursued further contributes to my insecurity that I might not be good enough for anyone, but it also demonstrates how I’m willing to stoop so low just for a chance at healing my insecurities via a relationship. I guess, in my lack of experience with having people be attracted to me, I feel that I need to MAKE people love me. 

5 EPILOGUE. 

I give this messy, intentionally incomplete analysis of love all for this section here: “Okay, so he now know his search for love was rooted in FLAWED logic and LUSTFUL desire. What should he do instead?” 

Remove myself from the self-imposed pressure to “make the right move” with every girl, because you SHOULDN’T try to form some romantic connection with any girl you’re remotely physically attracted to. I am repeatedly reminded that I don’t need to pursue a romance with EVERY pretty girl, but I am ALSO reminded that I am capable of cultivating deep relationships with most people. And so, there’s no need to fret. 

For a while, I thought romantic love was an exclusive variant of platonic love denoted by some sexual attraction. I don’t have any tangible proof or explanation to say otherwise, but this CANNOT possibly be accurate. Love is MUCH more than a deep friendship with a pretty girl — you won’t miss an opportunity at a relationship because you were TOO close of friends. Be patient and be prepared.